December 23rd – Snow

I hate snow.

Kind of a stupid thing to say when you continue to choose to live in Michigan of all places, but I hate snow. From fall on till spring, every day that I wake up I hope that it hasn’t snowed. Nothing can kill a good mood like a few inches of this white bullshit.

My hatred of snow is not put on hold for Christmas. Why is it that on this one day of the year, people actually hope for snow? “Oh please! Let us have frozen precipitate this year for Christmas! It’ll be a goddamn miracle!”

Okay, I’ll bite and admit that the winter landscape sans snow looks like some burned out post-apocalyptic wasteland, but that doesn’t mean I want it to snow either.  The lesser of two evils is still evil.

Snow is only fun for about three minutes. It looks pretty and it’s all gentle and soothing until you’re forced to go shovel it out of your driveway. And really, that’s the way snow is always regarded as, just this nuisance that you push out of the way. Once it starts to melt it doesn’t even look pretty anymore,  just  gray decaying tumors  on the side of the road.

So why the big deal for snow on Christmas? Why do people WANT the driving conditions to be all fucked up? Obviously nobody is going to go out and plow or salt roads on Christmas. The next time you wish for a white Christmas, realize you’re wishing for more fatal car crashes. Yeah you get to look at the nice white pretty snow from inside your safe little house, but somewhere out there that snow is taking lives, maybe even the lives of little Susie-Joe and Bobby-Face buckled up in the backseat on the way to Grandma’s.

Ultimately, there’s no such thing as a white Christmas because snow is always stained red with the blood of innocents.

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