December 25th – Santa

Merry Christmas, Fuckers!

So the presents have been shredded, the food has been devoured and the family has gone apeshit insane — must be Christmas Day, huh?

To celebrate the end of one of the most miserable Christmas seasons ever (thank you, economy!) I’d like to spend today taking a shot at the biggest Christmas icon of all time — no, not Jesus Christ, I’m talking about the other guy with the facial hair, Santa Claus.

First of all, why are we keeping the whole Santa tradition going anymore? Who are these psychopaths who are filling their kids heads with flat-out lies only to turn around and take it all back once puberty hits? Sure you want little Susie-Face to fit in with her classmates and friends and participate in a long-lasting tradition, but at the cost of what? Teaching your kids to be deceptive?

Santa is the representation of a primarily Christian holiday (with Pagan roots, but shh everyone decided to ignore that awhile ago) and is really the first lesson kids get about faith. They’re asked to believe in a magical man who knows if they’ve been bad or good and will reward them once a year for having clean souls.  So when the kids are good (or even when they’re not) and there are toys under the tree come Christmas, they’ve learned to put their faith in something and are rewarded with a material object. It’s not hard to then move them up to the big leagues and make them be good for their whole lives and be rewarded in the afterlife by this Jesus fellow, who is a lot like Santa in many ways.

So okay, great, you taught your kids about faith, how nice for them. But then! Once they start to get too old for Santa Claus,  you pull the rug out from under them, that the whole thing was just a ruse based on years of tradition and that it was really mom and dad supplying the rewards. Okay, so how hard is it for a kid to jump to the conclusion that there’s no God either? That in the end, they’ll die and it’ll be mom and dad just yanking their chains all over again. Fool me once, shame on you and so on.

Santa is basically corporate Jesus. Since it’d be tacky and offensive to use Jesus to hock merchandise and to teach kids how to be good little consumers, it’s this similar-yet-different guy who sweeps in and does the job. At the end of the day, when you find out Santa isn’t real, it doesn’t mean the presents stop coming because it’s money, not Christmas magic, that is bringing them.

People love to joke that Santa is a communist because he wears red and gives presents to all the children of the world. That’d be funny if it were true because he doesn’t exactly give presents to everyone now, does he? Certainly anyone who doesn’t follow Christianity in any way shape or form isn’t getting a present, so that actually rules out entire countries.

And what he doles out ain’t exactly equal either. Kids from high-income families come to school after Christmas break with new iPods and Playstation 3’s while lower income kids get less flashy stuff, or sometimes nothing at all depending on the financial situation that the family is in.  So why is it that Santa seems to distribute presents unevenly to kids in different economic households?

Doesn’t it seem cruel to anyone else for a kid to have to come to school and find his classmate got all these lavish gifts from Santa Clause while he barely got anything? I mean, Santa is supposed to be this all-knowing magical genie or whatever, he’s supposed to make every little kid’s dreams come true, not just the rich ones.

Do we even need Santa (besides to sell Coke bottles) anymore ? Do kids even play with toys and do they really believe some elf out there is building him a goddamn iPhone for Christmas? You see all these specials and movies with elves making wooden trains and rag dolls and then you wake up to Christmas morning to pre-packaged consumer goods that are still a little sticky from where Santa apparently scratched off the price tag when he picked the gift up from Target on his way over.

Want to know how I found out there was no Santa? I was digging around for gum in my mom’s purse and found a receipt with all of the presents Santa had supposedly brought. Well okay, actually it was Easter and it ruined the Easter Bunny for me, but it only took me about 30 seconds to draw my own conclusions about Santa based on that event.  Maybe discovering that holidays were just thinly-veiled consumer events at an early age is what has made me so cynical towards Christmas all of these years.

Or maybe this time of year just really, truly does suck.

Either way, I blame Santa.

Well… that’s it folks! Another holiday in the can and only 365-or-so days of freedom until we get to do it all again.

Don’t Forget! I’ll be back on Monday to countdown to 2010 with my 5-Day I Hate New Years special! See ya then!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: