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Halloween is Over, Christmas is Officially “Here”

Posted in Uncategorized on November 1, 2010 by K-Mo

The Halloween decorations haven’t even come down yet, but it doesn’t matter. Christmas is here again, barging in way too early and taking over the next two months.

Here we go again.

It doesn’t feel like a whole year has passed since we last counted down all the cynical reasons to hate the season, but that’s probably because it hasn’t been a whole year. You only get ten good Christmas free months, so I hope you cherished them.

In the meantime, there may be some mild activity here until then.  I’m a stickler for tradition, so the Cynical Advent Calendar itself won’t begin until the first of the month, but this season is agonizingly longer than that.  Expect some holiday haterade from now until then and if you really need more Christmas cynicism to get you through the season, check out last year’s Cynical Advent Calendar 2009.

What’s red and green and barf all over?

You’ll find out on December 1st.

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The Ghost of Cynical Advents Past

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by K-Mo

Today’s bonus entry is yet another list! Yay! Hooray for you, the lovely reader, who gets to read it.

Some of you may know that I used to run the Cynical Advent Calendar on my personal livejournal before starting this blog. Some of you may not, but are learning this fact for the first time. I thought it’d be fun to take a stroll down memory lane and recant my ten favorite entries from years past!

Icicle Lights: December 08, 2004
I hate improper use of icicle lights. You know, those dangling lights that every one of your neighbors (and probably you) has? They’re nice when USED CORRECTLY. My mom had some on our old house, mind you this was before everyone else had them since my mom is constantly on the cutting edge of Christmas trends. Anyways our old house was a tiny bungalow with a pointed roof, so they looked nice on that house and really did resemble iciles. I can’t stand how haphazardly people just throw them onto whatever stands still and call it a Christmas Miracle. Your lights look shitty dude. Take them down and hang yourself with them.

Little Drummer Boy: December 10, 2004

I hate the song “Little Drummer Boy.” It has to be the only song in existance that doesn’t really grow or crescendo or anything. It starts to build and then, just no resolution. Just the same crap all over again with the fucking “pa rum pa pum pum” shit. This song is also 90 minutes long. It also makes no sense at all! “Oh look, the baby Jesus. Damn, I have nothing to give him so I’ll just BANG ON MY FUCKING DRUM. FOR A FUCKING NEWBORN. THAT’S TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Giant Candy Canes: December 03, 2005

Those giant fucking candy cane sticks. You know, the ones that are the size and general shape of a candy-striped phallis. I don’t know what I hate more, the gluttonous aspect of it or the image of little Cindy Lou with the damn thing stick out of her mouth boasting to daddy about how she “got her whole mouth around it.” We do not need food items that double as weapons. And for the most part these things go to waste.I’ve gotten them before and never finished a single one, and with good reason… nobody needs that much fucking peppermint.

Giant Inflatable Lawn Decorations: December 13, 2004

Nothing says the holidays like a big fucking inflatable fuck apparently. No matter if it’s Santa going down your chimney or Rudolph adoring your lawn like a fucking jackass, the neighbors will all say “Look, the Smiths dropped $30 on a fucking inflatable Christmas balloon. We need to waste money like that.” I’m convinced that’s all it is, “Who can waste more money.” If you don’t have one of these tacky things, it means you’re too poor to afford one. Rich people are required to have a minimum of ten. I mean, come the fuck on… does anyone really need an eight foot tall Spongebob in a Santa hat RAPING their Christmas display?

Non-Rudolph Rankin Bass Christmas Specials: December 12, 2004

I hate any of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials that AREN’T Rudolph or Frosty. For me, Rudolph starts the holidays. I haven’t seen it this year, so this year will have no Christmas. But the others are Johnny-come-lately’s, riding on the coattails of their more successful brothers. Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Fuck it. Little Drummer Boy? Fuck it. Rudolph and Frosty’s Merry Winter New Year’s Jubilee featuring Jack Frost? Fuck it. They don’t have abominable snowmen, they ain’t worth shit. Yukon Cornelius for Life!

Electric Candles: December 02, 2006

Candles. No, not those kind you burn with the wick and everything, but the electronic variety. They suck ass. I hate them so much. Like, it’s always really creepy when people put them in their windows. Just a few eerily glowing candles on a seemingly empty home. That’s just creepy.

I just never got them. They’re not for Hanakkhua(sp?) are they? No, case they come in the “single candle” and “tri-candle” varieties. They’re just like… wastes. They’re the decorations for people who don’t want to put their entire ass into it. Old people.

Pre-stocked stockings: December 05, 2006

Nothing says “There’s No Such Thing as Santa” than a plastic stocking filled with misc. crap that would never sell on its own. You’ve seen this abominations, haven’t you? I’m sure every year you prayed to Santa you wouldn’t get one. They are always filled with the most useless garbage and toys that no kid would want. Shit like fake spiders left over from Halloween, generic “Fun Days” coloring books, crazy straws, just anything you would find at the dollar store, really.

Nothing says “I don’t love you all that much” than one of these fuckers. Nothing says “Oh shit I forgot it’s Christmas! I spent all the family’s money on Crystal Meth” than this bullshit.

Caroling: December 14, 2004

Caroling. What is up with that? Who does this anymore? I mean, we always see commercials of young, Dickens-esque carolers going from house to house with big, ancient tomes that supposidly have music notes inside. The truth is, nobody does this. Why the fuck would anyone want to just go around and sing at people’s houses. If someone caroled at my house, I’d have no way of responding. I’d just feel awkward and like wonder when it would be safe to close my door. Or fuck it, if I heard them coming, I’d shut the lights off and hide. Goddamn, it’s creepy. It’s like the gestapo are coming for you.

Fruitcake: December 08, 2005

Fruitcake. No, not the actual cake, for I’ve never really seen fruitcake in it’s natural habitat. I’m talking about the use of fruitcake as a holiday joke. Every comedian, talk show host, sitcom star and public official dusts off their crappy fruitcake jokes right around this time of year. And they are LAME. The percentage of people actually giving and recieving fruitcake are about 5% and that’s all over the world. That’s because the comedians told them how disgusting it was and so now they’re not buying the stuff. And seriously, is it THAT hard to get rid of? It’s called a trash can.

Coal Candy: December 12th, 2005

Coal Candy. There’s about 52 different varieties of coal “gag” candy to put into a child’s stocking. At first they think “OH NOES! I WAS BAD!” but then they look closely and see it’s only candy and their fears disappear. But then they actually eat the candy and taste the sweet flavor of irony, as the candy is so retched that they know now they WERE being punished, all along. Look, just cause a candy only comes out once a year, and as a gag too, doesn’t mean it has to be revolting. Coal Candy, lumps of sugar, sometimes gum, tastes exactly like what they’re made of, sugar, black food coloring and sin. And the blackness they leave sticking to your teeth and gums will haunt you until New Years Eve.

Bonus Post: A Few of My Favorite Things!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 21, 2009 by K-Mo

Since I missed two days this month, I’ll be making them up tonight and tomorrow with bonus posts.

I’ve been doing some form of the Cynical Advent Calendar for quite a few years now (about the same amount of time I’ve been working in retail…) so I’ve gotten kind of a reputation as somewhat of a Grinch or a Scrooge or some other Christmassy villain. Nothing could be further from the truth! I don’t HATE Christmas, I just hate certain things about Christmas.

So, to be a good sport, I thought I’d make a list of the ten things I like most about the holiday season.

Christmas Crunch!

Fuck yes!

10. Christmas Crunch – I know, I know, it’s just normal Crunchberries with a Christmas theme, but goddamn if I don’t love this cereal to death! Nothing says Christmas to me than that malted corn taste and that sick greenish/pinkish milk that’s left over.

9. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – There’s a small list of Christmas movies I can stomach, but this one is just tops. It’s the kind of movie you wouldn’t mind watching in the middle of the summer (and admit it, you probably have!) It was a hard toss-up between this movie and A Christmas Story but ever since TBS started playing it for 24-hours straight on Christmas Day, it’s gotten kind of played out.

8. The Simpson’s Christmas Special- The episode that started the whole phenominon! It’s a little dated by today’s standards and the Simpson’s characters hadn’t exactly developed completely yet, but I still laugh every time Lisa pokes Bart and he goes “Ow! Quit it!” after getting a tattoo for Christmas and then having it removed with a laser.

7. A Muppet Family Christmas – Not to be confused with any of the other Mupper Christmas specials, this one was from the late 80’s/early 90’s when the Fraggles were in full swing and featured not only the classic Muppets but the Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock gang as well. As a little kid I was completely in heaven whenever this special aired on TV. Unfortunately it’s like impossible to find nowadays.

6. Christmas Cookies – Surprise! Fat kid loves cookies! I’m a glutton for sweets and Christmas is just the best time for these things! My mom always makes a ton of cookies but so does everyone else I know so I’m constantly at cookie maximus each December.

5. Stocking Stuffers – Despite being insanely too old to have a stocking, my mother still stuffs one for my brother and I each year. It’s mostly stuff we need like deodorant, a toothbrush, shower gel, etc  with a healthy dose of candy added in. Every year I tell her I don’t need a stocking anymore, but really I think I’d be lost without one. I always seem to run out of the essentials by this point and its nice to get some freebies.

4. Coca-Cola in Glass Bottles – This is what I imagine the three wise men must have drank on the way to see baby J. I’m a glutton for pop, but pop in a glass bottle is like the elixer of life.  They’re usually gone by the time I go to sleep on Christmas night, but it’s still a treasure to behold each year.

3. X-Entertianment’s Advent CalendarEvery year the only thing to keep me going during the holidays is this website’s annual advent countdown.  Something as simple as showing off the contents of the Playmobile and Lego advent calendars has spun into an annual epic episodic tale of hand energy, the many clones of Mare Winningham, giant coconut crabs and Christmas magic.  You must check it out!

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – The best holiday special of all time. Sure, I love the Peanuts, but this has it beat. I used to watch our taped-off-the-TV copy of this movie all the time, despite the season. The Bumble? Amazing. The Island of Misfit Toys? Amazing.  The whole thing is just amazing.

1. New Stuff – What can I say, I like getting new things! What’s the point of Christmas if you can’t restock your inventory a little bit? I know I’m looking forward to not wearing tattered clothing anymore.  Yeah consumerism is ruining the holiday, but that’s not going to stop me from accepting presents. Me love presents.

Count Down to the End of this Miserable Season!

Posted in Uncategorized on November 30, 2009 by K-Mo
The holidays are supposed to be this magical time full of miracles, unabashed family love and figgy pudding–except they’re totally not.  The holidays are stress-filled times where money is tight, festivities are awkward and the same goddamn songs keep playing on a loop.

This blog is for the  people who have worked retail during a holiday pandemic, for the people who have had pine needles stuck in their foot more times than they can bear, for the people who just wanna scream “Fuck off!” to that asshole ringing the bell.

Join me for the next 25-days as I count down to the end of this seasonal hysteria by showcasing a little piece of my holiday hatred each day!