Archive for christmas lights

The Ghost of Cynical Advents Past

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by K-Mo

Today’s bonus entry is yet another list! Yay! Hooray for you, the lovely reader, who gets to read it.

Some of you may know that I used to run the Cynical Advent Calendar on my personal livejournal before starting this blog. Some of you may not, but are learning this fact for the first time. I thought it’d be fun to take a stroll down memory lane and recant my ten favorite entries from years past!

Icicle Lights: December 08, 2004
I hate improper use of icicle lights. You know, those dangling lights that every one of your neighbors (and probably you) has? They’re nice when USED CORRECTLY. My mom had some on our old house, mind you this was before everyone else had them since my mom is constantly on the cutting edge of Christmas trends. Anyways our old house was a tiny bungalow with a pointed roof, so they looked nice on that house and really did resemble iciles. I can’t stand how haphazardly people just throw them onto whatever stands still and call it a Christmas Miracle. Your lights look shitty dude. Take them down and hang yourself with them.

Little Drummer Boy: December 10, 2004

I hate the song “Little Drummer Boy.” It has to be the only song in existance that doesn’t really grow or crescendo or anything. It starts to build and then, just no resolution. Just the same crap all over again with the fucking “pa rum pa pum pum” shit. This song is also 90 minutes long. It also makes no sense at all! “Oh look, the baby Jesus. Damn, I have nothing to give him so I’ll just BANG ON MY FUCKING DRUM. FOR A FUCKING NEWBORN. THAT’S TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Giant Candy Canes: December 03, 2005

Those giant fucking candy cane sticks. You know, the ones that are the size and general shape of a candy-striped phallis. I don’t know what I hate more, the gluttonous aspect of it or the image of little Cindy Lou with the damn thing stick out of her mouth boasting to daddy about how she “got her whole mouth around it.” We do not need food items that double as weapons. And for the most part these things go to waste.I’ve gotten them before and never finished a single one, and with good reason… nobody needs that much fucking peppermint.

Giant Inflatable Lawn Decorations: December 13, 2004

Nothing says the holidays like a big fucking inflatable fuck apparently. No matter if it’s Santa going down your chimney or Rudolph adoring your lawn like a fucking jackass, the neighbors will all say “Look, the Smiths dropped $30 on a fucking inflatable Christmas balloon. We need to waste money like that.” I’m convinced that’s all it is, “Who can waste more money.” If you don’t have one of these tacky things, it means you’re too poor to afford one. Rich people are required to have a minimum of ten. I mean, come the fuck on… does anyone really need an eight foot tall Spongebob in a Santa hat RAPING their Christmas display?

Non-Rudolph Rankin Bass Christmas Specials: December 12, 2004

I hate any of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials that AREN’T Rudolph or Frosty. For me, Rudolph starts the holidays. I haven’t seen it this year, so this year will have no Christmas. But the others are Johnny-come-lately’s, riding on the coattails of their more successful brothers. Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Fuck it. Little Drummer Boy? Fuck it. Rudolph and Frosty’s Merry Winter New Year’s Jubilee featuring Jack Frost? Fuck it. They don’t have abominable snowmen, they ain’t worth shit. Yukon Cornelius for Life!

Electric Candles: December 02, 2006

Candles. No, not those kind you burn with the wick and everything, but the electronic variety. They suck ass. I hate them so much. Like, it’s always really creepy when people put them in their windows. Just a few eerily glowing candles on a seemingly empty home. That’s just creepy.

I just never got them. They’re not for Hanakkhua(sp?) are they? No, case they come in the “single candle” and “tri-candle” varieties. They’re just like… wastes. They’re the decorations for people who don’t want to put their entire ass into it. Old people.

Pre-stocked stockings: December 05, 2006

Nothing says “There’s No Such Thing as Santa” than a plastic stocking filled with misc. crap that would never sell on its own. You’ve seen this abominations, haven’t you? I’m sure every year you prayed to Santa you wouldn’t get one. They are always filled with the most useless garbage and toys that no kid would want. Shit like fake spiders left over from Halloween, generic “Fun Days” coloring books, crazy straws, just anything you would find at the dollar store, really.

Nothing says “I don’t love you all that much” than one of these fuckers. Nothing says “Oh shit I forgot it’s Christmas! I spent all the family’s money on Crystal Meth” than this bullshit.

Caroling: December 14, 2004

Caroling. What is up with that? Who does this anymore? I mean, we always see commercials of young, Dickens-esque carolers going from house to house with big, ancient tomes that supposidly have music notes inside. The truth is, nobody does this. Why the fuck would anyone want to just go around and sing at people’s houses. If someone caroled at my house, I’d have no way of responding. I’d just feel awkward and like wonder when it would be safe to close my door. Or fuck it, if I heard them coming, I’d shut the lights off and hide. Goddamn, it’s creepy. It’s like the gestapo are coming for you.

Fruitcake: December 08, 2005

Fruitcake. No, not the actual cake, for I’ve never really seen fruitcake in it’s natural habitat. I’m talking about the use of fruitcake as a holiday joke. Every comedian, talk show host, sitcom star and public official dusts off their crappy fruitcake jokes right around this time of year. And they are LAME. The percentage of people actually giving and recieving fruitcake are about 5% and that’s all over the world. That’s because the comedians told them how disgusting it was and so now they’re not buying the stuff. And seriously, is it THAT hard to get rid of? It’s called a trash can.

Coal Candy: December 12th, 2005

Coal Candy. There’s about 52 different varieties of coal “gag” candy to put into a child’s stocking. At first they think “OH NOES! I WAS BAD!” but then they look closely and see it’s only candy and their fears disappear. But then they actually eat the candy and taste the sweet flavor of irony, as the candy is so retched that they know now they WERE being punished, all along. Look, just cause a candy only comes out once a year, and as a gag too, doesn’t mean it has to be revolting. Coal Candy, lumps of sugar, sometimes gum, tastes exactly like what they’re made of, sugar, black food coloring and sin. And the blackness they leave sticking to your teeth and gums will haunt you until New Years Eve.

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December 05 – Minimal Christmas Decoration

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 6, 2009 by K-Mo

You have to hand it to the people who don’t decorate for Christmas, at least they have the gall to be upfront with their feelings. Maybe they’re the only ones smart enough to realize putting up and taking down decorations in the middle of winter is a giant pain in the ass. Or maybe they’re all Jewish, who knows! All I know is that I can respect those people though for being non-conformists.

On the other hand, I can’t stand the people who just throw up a string of lights or some stick-on window clings and consider their decorating complete. These are the people who think replacing the porch light with a red or green lightbulb can cut it as a festive display.

These people are cheaters and their houses look like crap! Seriously, I think a completely darkened house looks less depressing than the ones where a single strand of lights was hung up all willy-nilly on the inside of a window frame, with that half-assed “X” design in the middle to use up the excess lights.

Why decorate at all if you’re going to do a half-assed job of it?

Whenever I see a house like this, I feel like the person inside must be depressed. The more broke-ass the display, the closer they are to suicide.