Archive for christmas music

The Ghost of Cynical Advents Past

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by K-Mo

Today’s bonus entry is yet another list! Yay! Hooray for you, the lovely reader, who gets to read it.

Some of you may know that I used to run the Cynical Advent Calendar on my personal livejournal before starting this blog. Some of you may not, but are learning this fact for the first time. I thought it’d be fun to take a stroll down memory lane and recant my ten favorite entries from years past!

Icicle Lights: December 08, 2004
I hate improper use of icicle lights. You know, those dangling lights that every one of your neighbors (and probably you) has? They’re nice when USED CORRECTLY. My mom had some on our old house, mind you this was before everyone else had them since my mom is constantly on the cutting edge of Christmas trends. Anyways our old house was a tiny bungalow with a pointed roof, so they looked nice on that house and really did resemble iciles. I can’t stand how haphazardly people just throw them onto whatever stands still and call it a Christmas Miracle. Your lights look shitty dude. Take them down and hang yourself with them.

Little Drummer Boy: December 10, 2004

I hate the song “Little Drummer Boy.” It has to be the only song in existance that doesn’t really grow or crescendo or anything. It starts to build and then, just no resolution. Just the same crap all over again with the fucking “pa rum pa pum pum” shit. This song is also 90 minutes long. It also makes no sense at all! “Oh look, the baby Jesus. Damn, I have nothing to give him so I’ll just BANG ON MY FUCKING DRUM. FOR A FUCKING NEWBORN. THAT’S TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Giant Candy Canes: December 03, 2005

Those giant fucking candy cane sticks. You know, the ones that are the size and general shape of a candy-striped phallis. I don’t know what I hate more, the gluttonous aspect of it or the image of little Cindy Lou with the damn thing stick out of her mouth boasting to daddy about how she “got her whole mouth around it.” We do not need food items that double as weapons. And for the most part these things go to waste.I’ve gotten them before and never finished a single one, and with good reason… nobody needs that much fucking peppermint.

Giant Inflatable Lawn Decorations: December 13, 2004

Nothing says the holidays like a big fucking inflatable fuck apparently. No matter if it’s Santa going down your chimney or Rudolph adoring your lawn like a fucking jackass, the neighbors will all say “Look, the Smiths dropped $30 on a fucking inflatable Christmas balloon. We need to waste money like that.” I’m convinced that’s all it is, “Who can waste more money.” If you don’t have one of these tacky things, it means you’re too poor to afford one. Rich people are required to have a minimum of ten. I mean, come the fuck on… does anyone really need an eight foot tall Spongebob in a Santa hat RAPING their Christmas display?

Non-Rudolph Rankin Bass Christmas Specials: December 12, 2004

I hate any of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials that AREN’T Rudolph or Frosty. For me, Rudolph starts the holidays. I haven’t seen it this year, so this year will have no Christmas. But the others are Johnny-come-lately’s, riding on the coattails of their more successful brothers. Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Fuck it. Little Drummer Boy? Fuck it. Rudolph and Frosty’s Merry Winter New Year’s Jubilee featuring Jack Frost? Fuck it. They don’t have abominable snowmen, they ain’t worth shit. Yukon Cornelius for Life!

Electric Candles: December 02, 2006

Candles. No, not those kind you burn with the wick and everything, but the electronic variety. They suck ass. I hate them so much. Like, it’s always really creepy when people put them in their windows. Just a few eerily glowing candles on a seemingly empty home. That’s just creepy.

I just never got them. They’re not for Hanakkhua(sp?) are they? No, case they come in the “single candle” and “tri-candle” varieties. They’re just like… wastes. They’re the decorations for people who don’t want to put their entire ass into it. Old people.

Pre-stocked stockings: December 05, 2006

Nothing says “There’s No Such Thing as Santa” than a plastic stocking filled with misc. crap that would never sell on its own. You’ve seen this abominations, haven’t you? I’m sure every year you prayed to Santa you wouldn’t get one. They are always filled with the most useless garbage and toys that no kid would want. Shit like fake spiders left over from Halloween, generic “Fun Days” coloring books, crazy straws, just anything you would find at the dollar store, really.

Nothing says “I don’t love you all that much” than one of these fuckers. Nothing says “Oh shit I forgot it’s Christmas! I spent all the family’s money on Crystal Meth” than this bullshit.

Caroling: December 14, 2004

Caroling. What is up with that? Who does this anymore? I mean, we always see commercials of young, Dickens-esque carolers going from house to house with big, ancient tomes that supposidly have music notes inside. The truth is, nobody does this. Why the fuck would anyone want to just go around and sing at people’s houses. If someone caroled at my house, I’d have no way of responding. I’d just feel awkward and like wonder when it would be safe to close my door. Or fuck it, if I heard them coming, I’d shut the lights off and hide. Goddamn, it’s creepy. It’s like the gestapo are coming for you.

Fruitcake: December 08, 2005

Fruitcake. No, not the actual cake, for I’ve never really seen fruitcake in it’s natural habitat. I’m talking about the use of fruitcake as a holiday joke. Every comedian, talk show host, sitcom star and public official dusts off their crappy fruitcake jokes right around this time of year. And they are LAME. The percentage of people actually giving and recieving fruitcake are about 5% and that’s all over the world. That’s because the comedians told them how disgusting it was and so now they’re not buying the stuff. And seriously, is it THAT hard to get rid of? It’s called a trash can.

Coal Candy: December 12th, 2005

Coal Candy. There’s about 52 different varieties of coal “gag” candy to put into a child’s stocking. At first they think “OH NOES! I WAS BAD!” but then they look closely and see it’s only candy and their fears disappear. But then they actually eat the candy and taste the sweet flavor of irony, as the candy is so retched that they know now they WERE being punished, all along. Look, just cause a candy only comes out once a year, and as a gag too, doesn’t mean it has to be revolting. Coal Candy, lumps of sugar, sometimes gum, tastes exactly like what they’re made of, sugar, black food coloring and sin. And the blackness they leave sticking to your teeth and gums will haunt you until New Years Eve.


Bonus Post: A Few of My Favorite Things!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 21, 2009 by K-Mo

Since I missed two days this month, I’ll be making them up tonight and tomorrow with bonus posts.

I’ve been doing some form of the Cynical Advent Calendar for quite a few years now (about the same amount of time I’ve been working in retail…) so I’ve gotten kind of a reputation as somewhat of a Grinch or a Scrooge or some other Christmassy villain. Nothing could be further from the truth! I don’t HATE Christmas, I just hate certain things about Christmas.

So, to be a good sport, I thought I’d make a list of the ten things I like most about the holiday season.

Christmas Crunch!

Fuck yes!

10. Christmas Crunch – I know, I know, it’s just normal Crunchberries with a Christmas theme, but goddamn if I don’t love this cereal to death! Nothing says Christmas to me than that malted corn taste and that sick greenish/pinkish milk that’s left over.

9. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – There’s a small list of Christmas movies I can stomach, but this one is just tops. It’s the kind of movie you wouldn’t mind watching in the middle of the summer (and admit it, you probably have!) It was a hard toss-up between this movie and A Christmas Story but ever since TBS started playing it for 24-hours straight on Christmas Day, it’s gotten kind of played out.

8. The Simpson’s Christmas Special- The episode that started the whole phenominon! It’s a little dated by today’s standards and the Simpson’s characters hadn’t exactly developed completely yet, but I still laugh every time Lisa pokes Bart and he goes “Ow! Quit it!” after getting a tattoo for Christmas and then having it removed with a laser.

7. A Muppet Family Christmas – Not to be confused with any of the other Mupper Christmas specials, this one was from the late 80’s/early 90’s when the Fraggles were in full swing and featured not only the classic Muppets but the Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock gang as well. As a little kid I was completely in heaven whenever this special aired on TV. Unfortunately it’s like impossible to find nowadays.

6. Christmas Cookies – Surprise! Fat kid loves cookies! I’m a glutton for sweets and Christmas is just the best time for these things! My mom always makes a ton of cookies but so does everyone else I know so I’m constantly at cookie maximus each December.

5. Stocking Stuffers – Despite being insanely too old to have a stocking, my mother still stuffs one for my brother and I each year. It’s mostly stuff we need like deodorant, a toothbrush, shower gel, etc  with a healthy dose of candy added in. Every year I tell her I don’t need a stocking anymore, but really I think I’d be lost without one. I always seem to run out of the essentials by this point and its nice to get some freebies.

4. Coca-Cola in Glass Bottles – This is what I imagine the three wise men must have drank on the way to see baby J. I’m a glutton for pop, but pop in a glass bottle is like the elixer of life.  They’re usually gone by the time I go to sleep on Christmas night, but it’s still a treasure to behold each year.

3. X-Entertianment’s Advent CalendarEvery year the only thing to keep me going during the holidays is this website’s annual advent countdown.  Something as simple as showing off the contents of the Playmobile and Lego advent calendars has spun into an annual epic episodic tale of hand energy, the many clones of Mare Winningham, giant coconut crabs and Christmas magic.  You must check it out!

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – The best holiday special of all time. Sure, I love the Peanuts, but this has it beat. I used to watch our taped-off-the-TV copy of this movie all the time, despite the season. The Bumble? Amazing. The Island of Misfit Toys? Amazing.  The whole thing is just amazing.

1. New Stuff – What can I say, I like getting new things! What’s the point of Christmas if you can’t restock your inventory a little bit? I know I’m looking forward to not wearing tattered clothing anymore.  Yeah consumerism is ruining the holiday, but that’s not going to stop me from accepting presents. Me love presents.

December 15th – Little Saint Nick

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 15, 2009 by K-Mo

Maybe it’s just the fact that wailing, high-pitched harmonizing is no longer considered cool but I could never get into the Beach Boys.  And did anyone else find it weird that they were always guest starring on Full House? I mean, I know Uncle Jesse played drums for them but how far do we have to suspend disbelief to accept that this huge band is hanging out in the suburbs with this dorky family all the time, making music in the basement? These guys live in mansions and probably have their own recording studios!

But I digress, we’re not here to talk about the antics of the Tanner family, we’re here to talk about another song I freaking hate around this time of year. “Little Saint Nick” by the Beach Boys is an excercise in holiday themed torture.

First of all, have the Beach Boys ever even SEEN a depiction of Santa Claus? Little is not the right word to describe him.  Portly, chubby, obese, these are all much better terms.  That alone shows you just how much work was put into this song (very little.) The lyrics are just dreadful.

Take the chorus of the song, where the Beach Boys are singing “Merry Christmas Santa” but it sounds an awful lot like “Merry Christmas Satan.” How redundant is it to even wish Santa a Merry Christmas? That’s like wishing for the sun to stay warm.

This little ditty is followed up with a super low bass filled “Christmas comes this time each year.” Obvious much? Yes, Christmas DOES come this time each year because it’s fucking Christmas time! That’s just such an unneccesary observation and it’s like, for some reason, the goddamn hook of this song. The Beach Boys later went on to write such hits as “People in love are sure in love” and “Friday night comes after Thursday.”

The worst thing about this song is that it is EVERYWHERE this time of year and since there’s pretty much no popular covers of the song, it’s always the exact same three minutes and twelve seconds of torture no matter where you hear it. You hear it in the stores, on the radio, waiting in the dentist’s office, at work, on TV, in movies, on commercials, coming out of hidden speakers in the bushes of your backyard, replacing sirens for emergency vehicles and when the moon is full in December, you can faintly hear it playing this song.

December 7th – ‘Blue Christmas’ is the Worst

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 8, 2009 by K-Mo

Sorry to all about the hiccup in yesterday’s posting. As the holidays tend to get busy, I wasn’t able to get in an entry for the Advent Calendar. Chalk it up to just another thing that’s terrible about this season– there’s absolutely no time!

I’ve got a severe disdain for all Christmas music, but some songs are just ear rape. There is one song, however, that I simply cannot tolerate.

Elvis Presley’s Blue Christmas.

One time I was hit by a car and died for a few minutes in the emergency room and in those few minutes, I had a near-death vision of Hell. This song was playing on a non-stop loop in the waiting room.

Okay, that didn’t actually happen, but you can imagine it, can’t you?

That’s because this song SOUNDS like torture. First of all, may I say, I’m not a fan of Elvis. I can appreciate why people like his music and some of  his songs are timeless enough that I can actually enjoy them, but still– not a fan.  In this song, Elvis is at his absolute worst. He sounds like some sort of drunken zombie trying to make a song out of the last bit of air expelling outward from his throat. In the background,  a choir of warbling ghost  women call out into the night, pleading for their freedom.

In fact, just take a listen for yourself so you can hear how demonic and inappropriate for the season it really is.

See what I mean? Why is this song so abysmally slow? It’s just like the kind of song they’d play on Looney Tunes when a character got all drunk on “XXX”  and started hiccuping and being incoherant. The song just sounds like its going nowhere and taking its time to get there.

The real kicker though is that this is supposed to be a SAD Christmas song. Those are THE WORST! I mean, granted this is a pretty crappy time of the year if you’re not into it, but there’s no reason to make it absolutely worse by writing a song that pretty much sums up how miserable it is.

In the end though, Elvis Presley died a fat, drugged-out joke on his toilet so I guess there is some justice in the world after all!

December 2nd – Any Christmas Decoration That Makes Noise

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 2, 2009 by K-Mo

In the olden days of Christmas Past people used to decorate Christmas trees with candles– plain, boring, highly flammable candles. These days people aren’t satisfied unless their tree looks like some spastic robot whore– all gussied up with thousands of lights and whirligigs all synchronized to the an electronic version of “The Little Drummer Boy.”

It’s all fine and dandy if you want to give every person in the room an epileptic seizure, but why all the noise? In this age of iPod’s and MP3s, who the hell wants the cold, emotionless sound of a light-up wreath that plays midi?

Someone, apparently, because it seems like every time I venture into the holiday section of my local Target, I’m bombarded with this shit from all directions. The holidays are a noisy time what with all the children’s laughter and drunken uncles and self-inflicted gunshots (the holidays are a hotbed of suicidal activity– look it up!) why is there a need to add another level of noise pollution. And not even a good one at that!

My grandma has a pair of sinister looking Santa and Mrs. Claus robots from the 90’s that wave light-up candles back and forth while playing a selection of electronic Christmas noise. My grandma also has approximately 95 grandchildren. The robots can be set to move without music, so that they just move around silently while planning to kill you. However, with so many young’uns around, it’s only a matter of time until someone turns the music on and then you KNOW the Christmas madness has officially reached fever pitch.

I do, however, have a soft spot in my icy heart for a dancing cactus gift my mother gave me (re: wasted money on) a few years back. It’s the type of gizmo that plays music and gyrates when you clap or make noise. To this day I still put fresh batteries in it whenever I can so I can watch his jaunty little dance to a 20-second clip of Feliz Navidad. Maybe it’s just because that’s one of the few Christmas songs I like or maybe it’s because the cactus has a giant festive sombrero on but I love that little fucker.

See kids, even the Grinch has a heart some times.