Archive for santa

December 25th – Santa

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 25, 2009 by K-Mo

Merry Christmas, Fuckers!

So the presents have been shredded, the food has been devoured and the family has gone apeshit insane — must be Christmas Day, huh?

To celebrate the end of one of the most miserable Christmas seasons ever (thank you, economy!) I’d like to spend today taking a shot at the biggest Christmas icon of all time — no, not Jesus Christ, I’m talking about the other guy with the facial hair, Santa Claus.

First of all, why are we keeping the whole Santa tradition going anymore? Who are these psychopaths who are filling their kids heads with flat-out lies only to turn around and take it all back once puberty hits? Sure you want little Susie-Face to fit in with her classmates and friends and participate in a long-lasting tradition, but at the cost of what? Teaching your kids to be deceptive?

Santa is the representation of a primarily Christian holiday (with Pagan roots, but shh everyone decided to ignore that awhile ago) and is really the first lesson kids get about faith. They’re asked to believe in a magical man who knows if they’ve been bad or good and will reward them once a year for having clean souls.  So when the kids are good (or even when they’re not) and there are toys under the tree come Christmas, they’ve learned to put their faith in something and are rewarded with a material object. It’s not hard to then move them up to the big leagues and make them be good for their whole lives and be rewarded in the afterlife by this Jesus fellow, who is a lot like Santa in many ways.

So okay, great, you taught your kids about faith, how nice for them. But then! Once they start to get too old for Santa Claus,  you pull the rug out from under them, that the whole thing was just a ruse based on years of tradition and that it was really mom and dad supplying the rewards. Okay, so how hard is it for a kid to jump to the conclusion that there’s no God either? That in the end, they’ll die and it’ll be mom and dad just yanking their chains all over again. Fool me once, shame on you and so on.

Santa is basically corporate Jesus. Since it’d be tacky and offensive to use Jesus to hock merchandise and to teach kids how to be good little consumers, it’s this similar-yet-different guy who sweeps in and does the job. At the end of the day, when you find out Santa isn’t real, it doesn’t mean the presents stop coming because it’s money, not Christmas magic, that is bringing them.

People love to joke that Santa is a communist because he wears red and gives presents to all the children of the world. That’d be funny if it were true because he doesn’t exactly give presents to everyone now, does he? Certainly anyone who doesn’t follow Christianity in any way shape or form isn’t getting a present, so that actually rules out entire countries.

And what he doles out ain’t exactly equal either. Kids from high-income families come to school after Christmas break with new iPods and Playstation 3’s while lower income kids get less flashy stuff, or sometimes nothing at all depending on the financial situation that the family is in.  So why is it that Santa seems to distribute presents unevenly to kids in different economic households?

Doesn’t it seem cruel to anyone else for a kid to have to come to school and find his classmate got all these lavish gifts from Santa Clause while he barely got anything? I mean, Santa is supposed to be this all-knowing magical genie or whatever, he’s supposed to make every little kid’s dreams come true, not just the rich ones.

Do we even need Santa (besides to sell Coke bottles) anymore ? Do kids even play with toys and do they really believe some elf out there is building him a goddamn iPhone for Christmas? You see all these specials and movies with elves making wooden trains and rag dolls and then you wake up to Christmas morning to pre-packaged consumer goods that are still a little sticky from where Santa apparently scratched off the price tag when he picked the gift up from Target on his way over.

Want to know how I found out there was no Santa? I was digging around for gum in my mom’s purse and found a receipt with all of the presents Santa had supposedly brought. Well okay, actually it was Easter and it ruined the Easter Bunny for me, but it only took me about 30 seconds to draw my own conclusions about Santa based on that event.  Maybe discovering that holidays were just thinly-veiled consumer events at an early age is what has made me so cynical towards Christmas all of these years.

Or maybe this time of year just really, truly does suck.

Either way, I blame Santa.

Well… that’s it folks! Another holiday in the can and only 365-or-so days of freedom until we get to do it all again.

Don’t Forget! I’ll be back on Monday to countdown to 2010 with my 5-Day I Hate New Years special! See ya then!


December 16th – Modernized Santa

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 16, 2009 by K-Mo

Santa does not need to be cool Christmas is an old-fashioned holiday. The food is old-fashioned, the songs are all old-fashioned and even most of its traditions are old-fashioned, including the holiday’s official mascot Santa Claus.  So its no surprise that in order to reach a more modern generation, companies try to depict St. Nick as being a “cool guy” who wears sunglasses and jams out with a Jimmy Buffet cover band on the weekends.

The only problem with this is that whenever you try to make an old person “cool” and “hip” it always makes them look even more like a doddering old fool. Like they’re so confused from not taking their Alzheimer’s medication that they think they’re teenagers again. Nothing could be less cool than trying to make an old person cool.

Considering the legend of Santa Claus goes back to ancient times, he’s just about the oldest old person around. That also means that the more you try to modernize him, the cornier it ends up being in practice. Of course, you try telling that the the five hundred different companies who think they’re the first one to feature a Santa in sunglasses rocking out on the beach in their commercials.

Santa Claus doesn’t NEED to be modernized and all attempts to do it just ruin the “magic” of the holiday. Like when you start having Santa use a GPS to get around to all the Christ-worshipping children in the world instead of the standard holiday magic, it’s almost as if what’s being said is that holiday magic must be bought at the store (and can be returned for store credit within 30 days if you have your receipt.)

Santa is above all of that shit. I don’t want to see him listening to an iPod while he bumps and grinds in his tricked out sleigh with hydrolics while he Twitters about how much he loves the new Call of Duty for X-Box 360.  All he needs is milk, cookies, some elf slaves, flying reindeer and a little thing called holiday cheer. That’s all! Stop trying to pervert him with all these images that are supposed to make him hip and edgy for today’s web-savvy youth.

Can’t these companies realize that some things are just timeless and that Santa Claus is one of them?

December 13th – Get a job, Mrs. Claus!

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 13, 2009 by K-Mo

Who the hell is Mrs. Claus?

I mean, sure, we’ve all got our theories, but who is she really?

Santa Claus we know as plain as day. There’s really not much dispute in the mythos of Santa anymore. His wife, on the other hand, nobody really knows what she does or who she is. In fact, she’s not even given a name! She’s just “Mrs.” to his Mr. like some fucked up subsurviant who is just there to please him.

Someone needs to let Mrs. Claus know it’s 2009 and all the ladies are independent now. Unless she already got the memo and is just milking Santa for the benefits like some ancient gold digger.  We need to shake up the north pole and make Mrs. Claus get a job. She needs to be a role model for today’s young women, not just some housewife married to a guy who only works one day out of the year. I mean, it’s not like she even has kids or anything.

The only explanation that really makes sense is that Santa is really gay and the Mrs. is just his beard.  That’s why they never had kids, it’s because Santa’s actually banging the totally queer elves on the side. Mrs. Claus is there to take suspicion away from him. I mean, of course you can’t have a gay Santa. An old guy dressed in red that asks kids to sit on his lap and then breaks into their house to leave them presents is apparently only not-creepy if he’s straight. As long as he’s going home to bang Mrs. Claus, nobody raises an eyebrow. As if somehow he couldn’t be a child molester because she would put a stop to it or something.

Santa Claus is iconic, Mrs. Claus not so much. Most depictions of her make her some twisted female clone of Santa, like she was created in a lab to be his perfect twin. In recent years there’s been a lot of sexy young Mrs. Claus’s running around, which I think is like ten hundred percent grosser. I mean just because Mrs. Claus serves no purpose but to be a sexual plaything of her child obsessed husband doesn’t mean we need to depict her as some sort of porno whore.

December 3rd – Pictures with Santa

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 3, 2009 by K-Mo

Scary Santa! Look at this picture and please tell me WHO does this mild form of torture benefit? Not the screaming children who just want to be away from this bearded stranger as fast as possible. Certainly not the parents who just paid an arm and a leg to wait in line for an hour and not even get a decent Christmas Card photo out of it. The only one having any fun here is Santa, because he clearly feeds off of the suffering of children.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have any children of my own that I can’t see the point in getting a picture with Santa, but even when I was a child I thought the whole thing was a waste of time. When you’re really young, you know it’s not Santa and it terrifies you, but when you get a little older your parents begin that magnificent lie about the store Santa being “one of Santa’s helpers” who can relay your message to the big guy if they pay ten bucks for a Polaroid of you sitting on his lap.

Even as a kid, I thought this was some pretty loose logic. We know Santa’s helpers are all elves, so where do these non-magical human slaves come in to the mythos and why are they always so god-awful creepy? I was just a wee cynic when I realized these people weren’t helpers at all, just guys hard up for cash who found an easy gig for the month.

I think the parents are squarely to blame here. They go their whole life trying to protect their kids from pedophiles and weirdos and then turn around and demand they get cozy in a stranger’s lap. Even worse, he’s a stranger offering you candy and trying to take your picture.  No wonder so many kids end up screaming their fool heads off by the end of it.

What do these twisted parents get in the end? A picture of their child and some weirdo who almost always manages looks like a complete monster. You could have the cutest, most well behaved child in America, but his picture with Santa would still have that eerie son of a bitch looking all broken down behind him. Isn’t that great? Now you have a picture of your child sitting on a vagrant’s lap.

And seriously, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE LAP SITTING? I don’t want to sit in the laps I know, let alone that of a guy that A) is incognito and B) can only hold down a job one month out of the year. It’s going to be 2010 soon, I think it’s time for all the lap sitting to come to an end.

May I suggest a picture of a friendly handshake with Santa?

How about a picture where Santa’s just standing next to you giving the peace sign?