Archive for snow

December 23rd – Snow

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , on December 23, 2009 by K-Mo

I hate snow.

Kind of a stupid thing to say when you continue to choose to live in Michigan of all places, but I hate snow. From fall on till spring, every day that I wake up I hope that it hasn’t snowed. Nothing can kill a good mood like a few inches of this white bullshit.

My hatred of snow is not put on hold for Christmas. Why is it that on this one day of the year, people actually hope for snow? “Oh please! Let us have frozen precipitate this year for Christmas! It’ll be a goddamn miracle!”

Okay, I’ll bite and admit that the winter landscape sans snow looks like some burned out post-apocalyptic wasteland, but that doesn’t mean I want it to snow either.  The lesser of two evils is still evil.

Snow is only fun for about three minutes. It looks pretty and it’s all gentle and soothing until you’re forced to go shovel it out of your driveway. And really, that’s the way snow is always regarded as, just this nuisance that you push out of the way. Once it starts to melt it doesn’t even look pretty anymore,  just  gray decaying tumors  on the side of the road.

So why the big deal for snow on Christmas? Why do people WANT the driving conditions to be all fucked up? Obviously nobody is going to go out and plow or salt roads on Christmas. The next time you wish for a white Christmas, realize you’re wishing for more fatal car crashes. Yeah you get to look at the nice white pretty snow from inside your safe little house, but somewhere out there that snow is taking lives, maybe even the lives of little Susie-Joe and Bobby-Face buckled up in the backseat on the way to Grandma’s.

Ultimately, there’s no such thing as a white Christmas because snow is always stained red with the blood of innocents.

December 14th – Fake Snow

Posted in Advent Calendar Entry 2009 with tags , , , , on December 14, 2009 by K-Mo

You know what sucks? Snow.

You know what’s even worse than snow? Fake snow.

No matter which way you slice it, no matter what brand of fake snow you get, it always ends up being the most toxic substance you can bring into your house and what’s even worse is the fact that it almost NEVER looks like the real thing.

There’s a few different varieties of fake snow out there, each one more horrible than the last. You have your garden-variety cotton fluff which is actually just leftover fake spiderwebs from Halloween.  Sure it’s white, but it doesn’t look a thing like snow either. It looks like a big ball of white pubic hair.

Then there’s the plastic flake kind of fake snow, the kind where it looks like someone took a bunch of grocery bags and shred them into tiny pieces.  This stuff looks a little more like the real thing, but only if you’re looking at it from a distance and you’re wearing someone else’s prescription glasses and you’re drunk. The problem with this stuff is that it looks like trash– literally! It looks like someone just dumped out a wastebasket onto your precious Christmas village.  Because you see, real snow clumps together while this plastic stuff just sits in a collective mass, with each fake flake visible. For some reason too, I can’t help but think it looks like dandruff when I see this stuff.

I can’t even begin to fathom the spray-on snow. I’ve never really come face to face with it and I hope I never do because it creeps me out. I mean at this point you’re literally spraying chemicals all over your house, how is that supposed to be festive? Spray-on snow lets you decorate your windows so that even if it’s an unseasonable sixty-eight degrees outside you can still write holiday sayings like “Hope” and “Joy” or stencil in a snowflake or snowman design that looks like some graphetti artist came by and tagged your house for the holidays.

Since science is out of control now, I’ve seen fake real snow in the stores now. These are mostly just for people who have lived on the equator their entire lives and have never seen the real stuff. You mix some packet of chemicals in water and stir, after a few minutes you have slush. This stuff is technically the real deal because you’re using real water to turn it into real whatever, but can I just say it creeps me the fuck out? And then when you’ve got this stupid can of snow, what are you supposed to do with it? Is it safe to even use or touch? If you get it in your eye, will you go blind?

Yes, yes you will.